Review: The Onion Movie

This movie was apparently shot in 2003 and then shelved after poor test-screenings. This was a good decision. The sketches are poorly written. The acting is tolerable at best. The film as a whole is comedically tone-deaf to a degree seldom reached by even the worst articles from the print edition. Not even fans of the Onion should watch this movie; to the contrary, if you're used to the usually high quality of the articles and internet videos then you will find "The Onion Movie" to be one of the most painful viewing experiences of your entire life.

Firstly, the movie doesn't seem to know what it is. It begins in the form of an evening news broadcast, but soon evolves into a series of unrelated sketches. The two formats transition between one another laboriously and pointlessly. Every joke fizzles. Every punchline is either entirely without comedic merit or so poorly delivered that it falls painfully and awkwardly flat.

The Onion works best when it parodies the news media. If they had gone all in with the news-broadcast-parody theme, they could have had something. But as the anchor rattles off headlines in rapidfire succession, frequently interrupted by tangential segments featuring Steven Seagal, any potentially funny similarities to television news disappear.

Avoid this film at all costs. I did not laugh once.